Remember Me This Way

sui xiang

2006-04-06T15:15:00.000+08:00

我一向都是一位中文副客。。。才怪。

我已经有一幅华裔的脸蛋。再加上我那口吻， “欺骗”我的国际仅是小事一装。但是，我发现用中文书写确实比较贴切。

不知如何，我觉得自己老了。我有很多未完成的心愿，向凭着自己的双手去实现。不只这样，我还向在“玲玲”长大之后成为她的干妈，交她识字及做人之道。我向到海外留学，甚至在那短局。我想买一只可爱的小狗陪伴我，我想华多一些时间在家人的身上。我好怀念璀璨的星空，我愿与我的知己朋友欣赏破晓时分的天空。

小时的我，失去很多，但也得到很多。

回想起来，以前的我常常对自己不满。其中，我对于时间的观念有岂是如此自私。我想，这就是我成为基督徒后其中一个最大的改变。要知道，以前的我是如期的悲观，而且我曾盛行人类的交流是纯粹为了满足利益。我对人们，尤其男人，的信心，真是少之又少。不要问我为什么，我只能说我现在一直在改变。或许我有一天对异性的信心能够使我更容易接受他人。

几天前闭幕的校园偶像争霸赛是我想起我昔日的学生时代。当然，我并非当时的流行一族。我认为自己好肥，也过于白皙。哈哈哈哈。。。我的头发更不用说了。说真的，我这几年来不论是在样貌，个性或待人处事上都有了明显的改变。

我安地感谢当时容忍我的胡闹的人。若不是因为你们的不离不舍，及接受我的本质，我想，我至今还是会认为人类的交流是纯粹为了满足利益。当我诚心爱上某人或感激他人时，我会用行动去表达我的感想。昔日的我，认为这就是所谓的“互不向欠”，但现今的我宁愿“亏欠” 我爱的人，而且做得非常开心。人就是得互相帮助。。。。及接受帮助，不是吗？

三年了。我变了很多。我不时觉得内心老了许多，但也应为多接触小孩而变得开朗许多。。真是好笑。不知三年后的我，又会变得如何？无论如何，我知道我不是一位一尘不变得人。我对未来也报着较大的盼望。

我曾怕孤单。曾经吧。因为我再也不会怜惜自己了=）

Happy

2006-04-05T02:20:00.000+08:00

数十年来
我绕道而行
学会洒脱
学会放手
认为时间会证明一切
因而
忘了珍惜某些人
或许
我曾伤害了他
或许
这一切仅是我的妄想
时间确实能证明一切
也能把信心放回
对于时间
我现在不想再浪费
我将会尝试放亮双眼
重新珍惜一切

无论如何，开心至上。播下快乐的种子，使人心悦，自己也会开心。我会前往需要我的地方。因为我知道，我也需要被协助他人的满足给充实。

人。上帝的创始。他们并非离群，每人都需要一丝丝的爱。

理性之上？因爱而促使思考与进步因怜悯而产生伟大理想理性仅不过是上帝赐给人类的工具以完成人类内心的盼望所以请别误用它而从中是心灵留下疮疤。

无论如何，开心至上。

By Odd radish

2006-04-05T01:38:00.000+08:00

Original artpiece from one of my friends- oddradish. Nice one. And if you are looking at this, well, I look forward to your modified piece after my comments too! =)

2006-04-03T21:32:00.000+08:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance. In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Risen Son

2006-03-23T16:40:00.000+08:00

That's just the way i am

2006-03-11T21:26:00.000+08:00

I cry, I whine. I vocalise, I observe. I like the blue sky, I appreciate sunshine. I see people as who they are, I trust people giving them the benefit of doubt. I am a family person, I want to being joy to everyone. I want to create experience and share common memories with the ones I love. I love music, I value serenity. I can't do sports, and my body coordination is not that fantastic too. I have intense emotions, I have endless ponders. I have my past hurts and regrets, I want to use them to benefit others. I am currently in a single parent family, I am currently studying in university. I can be cranky, I can be still. I have my bimbotic side, I have times when I just need to drill more knowledge.I love to keep quiet, but that doesn't make me a nerd. I can be noisy and loud in uttering nonsense, but that doesn't make me insensitive. There are facets of me, and if only you wish, you will see.

But comprising is not the key, it is the issue on your self identity. It is my style, my flair. I shall live the life my style, and not of anyone's else. That's me and I am proud of it, for I am unique and thus doubt shall not creep in.

I just find that compromising is so tiring. But perhaps one never consider it as compromising all along, perhaps it is just a mind game all along. I know someday, somehow, there will be the answer to the question I have in mind, but meanwhile I am proud of who I am, simply because it is my style.

sunrise

2006-02-22T18:56:00.000+08:00

I was at the beach chilling out yesterday and I finally witnessed sunrise today, thanks to G and Siska.

Someone mentioned yesterday that anything that come in great abundance will never ever be taken away... just like sunrise. Freely give and freely receive. I like this notion. It has been sucha long time since I really chill out, and to be in tune with myself. ..

Somehow, I hope that I will have a chance to eb a humana statue one day, whereby i will sit or stand still in a particular spot and just blend into the surroundings. I will nto attempt to filter out the bombardment of information from my surroundings, but to be still and take things at their face values. I find that very few of us often take things at the face value, for we need to filter out information to get our jobs done. I want a change for once. When shall it be?

The sun rose at 7.15am today. We thought that we would have missed it, but thank God that we didn't. It was a beautiful sight. The sun will rise no matter what happens. The birds will fly and migrate to the spots that they are destined to. The plants will continue to grow and provide shades to passerby, as the insects continue with their daily routine of finding food for survival. Mother Nature has its own order, displaying the glory of God. Yet such order are often noticed but not appreciated by many, for it seems too obvious at times. But suppose that the order is gone. Isn't everything going to get more confusing?

I appreciate those little things that can only be fully observed with stillness. And yes, those late night conversations. ..

I am really in my nostalgic mood now. Expect a more serious me.

Balance

2006-02-16T17:52:00.000+08:00

One learn in accounting , or perhaps in economics that for every debit entry one makes, there will always be a corresponding credit entry to balance it off. Certain accounts are debit in nature, while the others are credit. But when one put it all together, there will be no surplus or deficit as a whole. Everything is in a perfect balance.

How about in life? With all the various transactions going on, will everything fall into place nicely ultimately? There will be no surplus or deficit, as no one owes anyone anything. Is that good? Or is that bad? Is that indifference, or is that reliance?

For persistence without love is indifference.

For determination without love is stubborness.

For assisiting without love is obligation.

For tolerance without love is blind submission.

For overcoming without love is like travelling without a companion

For sharing without love is like rich men's insignificant donations

Inspirations and dreams are hopefully within our reach

Above all things

Let there be love

It doesn't matter at times when one is chasing after the things that no one else does, for one knows exactly the junk that he/she needs to overcome. When doubts creep in and one is burdened, remember that you might be the very person to bring a smile to another person of a similiar situation in time to come. Hence, overcome.

Immaturity. The purpose of emotion is to appreciate surroundings, not to depreciate self worth.

How many times does it take to grow up of a bondage?

What else

2006-02-08T00:08:00.000+08:00

Happy birthday in advance to the Feb babies - Lujin, Lydia, Baoxin and Kewei! You have officially reached the age of adulthood!! Looks like one got to start preserving the youth ! ~* I would most probably meet up with the the girls in my marketing team during last semester again. Fang, Rong, YY, Alvi, Madi and I have been seminar mates since year 1 lesson 1. And it was great to be with that team for different types of projects, where we slacked like mad but work efficiently. It seemed that our last minute marketing project has impressed our client-BATA, so much so that it is inviting us to the company for a short meeting. Wow... we will be meeting up with our Korean Prof again this week to discuss the proposal. Lets hope that he has yet to shred our report after the semester was over. ~* Which is wrong? Doing the wrong thing , or not doing the right thing? ~* I wish that I could go back in time towards those days of childhood, whereby one need not be bothered about the consequences of our emotions. We did not know that human beings are not meant to be ruled by their feelings back then. So we did whatever we want, and perhaps got controlled by our emotions most of the times. Even so, we were more carefree and happy back then. That is just a random thought, for everything is a matter of choice. We do not have the luxury of choosing the consequences, but at least we are fortunate enough to choose. Count that as a blessing girl. Situations may be similiar, but it is the attitude that changes perspectives. So no matter what, be very conscious about your thoughts and filter out all the junk. ~* Do you consider someone as a friend if he/she shares only her burden with you? How about someone who just prefer to share his/her joy with you? Who is a true friend, and who is not ?

Happy CNY

2006-01-29T01:00:00.000+08:00

Happy CNY! Use less logic and rational reasoning to capture some irregulaties in life. Appreciate the finer things in life with your heart and deepen relationships . New year ahead.

Smile! Jerlynn and me.

2006-01-25T01:31:00.000+08:00

Smile! For who knows who will fall in love with your smile as you brighten up their day.

2006-01-25T01:16:00.000+08:00

I realised that I have not been blogging for a long, long time. And it has been a long time since I last disclosed my random thoughts. How often is one able to find a soulmate who can always finish the sentence for you in the way you want? How often are we willing to share our deep thoughts with other people in a comfortable manner? Human beings are afraid to get hurt at times, but they have forgotten that they grow because they have been hurt.

***

The reason for being out of a nightmare is to fulfill another dream. Someday, somehow, one will be able to look at the past, without a tinge of regret or horror. It will just be another movie, and not a drama, where we will be able to look at it and say that "it WAS my story, but no more.". I am sure you will, for I see traces of my past in the same manner. Traces of me in different people. And who knows that I may be that "trace" in the memories of others.

***

I had to make a very difficult decision last week. It wasn't meant to be hard. But I know that I've overcome, and it shall not find its way into me, again.

***

I will bring joy to the ones I love. Be appreciative, and continue to seek teh goal regardless of appreciation.

Principles

2006-01-13T15:21:00.000+08:00

I really felt happy for the past few days due to the things I did. You are right. Principles and priorities come first. Sometimes, time will only show how meaningless certain goals can be. Seek not the extreme but strive to be happy by investing your time in meaningful pursuits. Guilt can only stand aside. For now. And ever.

IMPACT

2006-01-09T22:33:00.000+08:00

Daniel, Andy, Dawn, Me, Apple, San, Siska, Christian, Max.

TTSH

2006-01-09T22:28:00.000+08:00

A smile goes a long long way. I will be there for all of you.

TTSH again

2006-01-09T22:22:00.000+08:00

My dearies and a hyper child

kids

2006-01-09T22:16:00.000+08:00

Siska, Meiyi, Me, Jerlynn and Vanessa..... The 2 girls on my right are not to be trifled with. If I am considered as crazy, they are ....indescrible .... haha

2005-12-31T00:56:00.000+08:00

Our funny pics! Sara, Shruti, MJ, Me, Fazila, Ifah, William and Sara (again! haah).. Too bad Wilson and Huisuan were not with us..

2005-12-31T00:48:00.000+08:00

Pretty gals say cheese ! ifah meiju me and fazila!

blur pic

2005-12-30T23:54:00.000+08:00

Ifah, Shruti, Meiju and Me at ACF retreat... chill out time.. arr the picture is slightly blurred though...

The guardian angel

2005-12-26T22:56:00.000+08:00

The guardian angel sat on the plains. Streaks of warm breeze kissed her face as she meditated under the serene blue sky. Years had passed, and the scars accumulated on her wings from past battles have been healed. She is back to her usual fitness, healthy, and ready to charge or defend her mission target.

White birds soared past the sky. It symbolised freedom, something valuable that the angel had recently accquired. She was trapped, previously, in her own thoughts. Though she had abilities to conquer, she had not been happy due to the negativities she once possessed. However, situations had enabled her to see more clearly as days go by. And she will not let the same ploy defeat her again. Thus, freedom brought in Joy.

She continued to sit on the plains. Everything seemed to be in perfect order. What else could she ask for, as a guardian angel , whose task was to keep everything in order? The storm is over. Her mission is accomplished. But it also meant that the purpose of her existence would become increasingly blurred.

She looked back at her previous missions. True enough, she will be appreciated and remembered in the hearts of many, for having brought joy, peace, love, comfort and understanding to the people . However, it was true that she was just part of their memories, and will continue to stay so. The angel will continue to be a steward -- her every possesion will be temporary, and each of them will be gone one day. Memories will fade eventually, and everything will continue to evolve and move on.

There will be nothing to call her very own.

Even so, the sun will continue to shine, and the angel is hopeful that she will her something that truly belongs to her as long as she continues to stay under the blue sky.

She will be hopeful, and she chooses to let it remain that way.

She shed a teardrop, which provided nourishment to make a dying flower grow.

thanks

2005-12-24T00:47:00.000+08:00

How could i forgot to thank 2 very special people whom I went out with after the ACF retreat? Thanks a lot for your birthday gift and hand made angel, even though i seem to deserve it just based on the efforts I made ..... thanks a lot. See you really soon.

Christmas Eve

2005-12-24T00:22:00.000+08:00

Beggars and crippled earning their living during christmas eve. Seasons of love brings out the immunity we have for plights like these.

Firm beliefs and its consequences. Who suffer more? The bearer of the beliefs ? Or the ones being sidelined?

It was a happy christmas season.

I went to jog with Zhumei today and we jogged all the way up to ECP. I had to burn off the excess fats that is accumulated throughout the hols. After which, we ran all the way to TJC, my former junior college. I was quite surprised that TJC has installed a security counter at the entrance, but I managed to bluff the uncle to give my friend entry by saying that both of us are ex Tjcians. Cool huh... and I just realised that my secondary 1 english teacher is now teaching in TJC. The trip really brought back memories.

ACF retreat was much better than what I expected, and we had an excess amount of food. Got to know people like Wilson and Huisuan from Samba, the 2 Saras of ICS (one of them used to take the same CAT class as I am), William from SMUKI, Shruti from Nudge, and Faziah from MLCC... Not to mention Ifiah who crashed in with us at night.. Nice bunch of people and we always ended up playing games among ourselves. And all of us were overfed 5 times per day. Well... Will blog again if I feel like it.

Don't feel like blogging much nowadays. Anyway, one would have known it if one is part of my memories. Have to remind myself to blog about something about a cobbler.

Just for fun

2005-12-20T10:18:00.000+08:00

Are you game for this?

Rules of the game: 1.Post 5 weird/random stuff about yourself. 2. At the end, list the names of 5 people whom you want next to do this, and leave a comment "YOU ARE TAGGED!" in their blog and tell them to read your blog for rules.

I ever performed Great Singpore Workout on a platform in front of my whole school before- live demo student helper.

I ever carried a bassoon ( taller than me and about 6 kg I guess) up a hill in my secondary school. For a few times I guess.

If I am allowed to daydream, I always hope that I am a guardian angel who will go around helping people to complete quest. But I think it will be nice to be sailor mercury too.

My nicknames online (from past till now) include scroozy, miyuki namie, orangy, jazzlady.

The fastest way to see me smile and act gaga and girlish is to bring me a dog , especially under the starry night sky! haha...

You'll know who you are, when I have tagged you.

1047

2005-12-13T10:30:00.000+08:00

I went to some corporate websites and looked at the profiles of some of the church people i know of. And I was astonished. They are business consultants, mentors and trainers for famous hotels like Westin Stamford, and their academic records were amazing, with several degrees acheived at the highest levels. Some people whom I know are financial analysts, or managers or vice presidents or even musical conductor who once led musical groups to clinch the distinction awards in international music festivals...

But well, I guess all these do not beat the fact that I know them at personal levels. What really fascinates me are not their amazing track records. Rather, I appreciate them as I know them as ladies who can dance agogo like no one else business on stage, daddys who often play piggy backs with his children, romantic and caring boyfriends for their ladies, interesting mummies who "struggled" to teach their children chinese, ladies who cook delicious spagettis and chinese meals.... People whom I can crap with, laugh along and share my thoughts...

Similiarily, I do hope for a bright future. But at the end of the day, (or perhaps since young) I do not want people to remember or know me based on my career, work, or achievements, but for who i really am... but for my interest... for the silly and funny things I do with friends.. for the activities that brighten up everyone's day... That's me... And I appreciate my newfound friends, because, like my others sincere and nice friends in church and outside church, the frank individuals appreciate me for those very traits... and vice versa too...

I guess characters and friends are ultimately what one can bring along ultimately.

***

It's a very pleasant surprise for Finance.... but one thing i must learn is to lean on God and not on my own strength. Many a times I felt that I have the honour of having choices because of my abilities.. but that either drains me out or develop pride in me.... My abilities stem from the grace of God, and not from my own... Whatever it is... so much so about grace.... Practise it. Keeping my fingers crossed for the rest of the results...

***

I read about something interesting.. People often aim to change. They WANT to change. But more often than not, we change our behaviour and not our thinking. Applying it to both so called religious and non religious areas, it is easy to see why people get trapped in the same old situations again and again.... We are too accustomed to execution, and tangible forms like a change in behaviours reassures us that one is improving. But well.. if our mind is like a tip of the ice berg whereby the subconscious forms a huge proportion of the mind, the best way to tackle a problem is to deal with the mind.. which will then translate the changed thoughts into actions... Changed behaviour may not lead to changed minds, but changed minds lead to changed behaviours....

And I realised that i am a perfect candidate to practice this change.... haha

I guess what I really learnt this holiday are about compassion, passion, and attitude. In both christian and non christian context, compassion is the key to fuel on improvements and allow grace for improvement and mistakes. Compassion is about having love for people, for related issues to mankind. One tends to get discouraged, even for the most hopeful ones. But compassion prevents one from giving up... And yes, when one wonders how long more does it take to reach a goal, remember how far has one travelled. Can one bear to give up certain things to end the agony.... but also the hopes that come along with things ? okok.. not sure if it is making sense here, but i know what I am typing.. random thoughts now...

Passion. Which is wrong? To do the wrong things? Or not to do the right things? Both I would say. Without passion, we will loose interest even in the things that brough us laughter in the first place. Motivation will be gone, and hearts will grow cold in the end. And it is not just about thinking .. it is about behaviour.... which will later be found on various individuals as we tend to reciprocrate whatever experiences we have in some other situations..... it will be such a cold place.. and I want none of it now... but that also ties in with time management and leading a balance life with rest..... and yeah... catching up with people... to encourage them and to be encouraged.....

Attitude.. Need i say more? about Abilities and choices ? I always believe that whatever abilities and giftings we have are double edge swords. Use it well adn bring joy and hope to others directly or indirectly, or abuse it and suffer the consequences. If one does not use it, it will spoil, just like how unused batteries will leak... (whatever, wierd analogy?) The once passive huishi wants to change her attitude and make a conscious effort to improve her attitude. Less individualism, more patience, even during waiting for outcome, and more zeal to bring joy to the ones i love. Something interesting happened to me . Though i would not say that I've passed the "test" (it is not an exam paper or school related stuff) with flying colours, I can proudly say that I passed that test. That was something which i used to fail in. And I believe that similiar tests will resurface again. And I am determined to make a conscious effort to improve on it.

***

haha.. Why am I in THIS type of blogging mood today? Whatever. In any case, time out.

Long entry

2005-12-12T11:29:00.000+08:00

I was in Chjimes last night for my grandpa's birthday. Well, i saw the all time familiar SMU blocks .. Why am I always in city hall area 7 times a week? Beats me. To tell the truth, I am not close to my father's side at all. In fact, I meet most of them less than 1 time per year. Yes, you get me right. So it will be very hard to expect any warm conversation, especially when there is a lack of oppportunity to communicate. Family dinner, and specualation of my current status. It doesn't help when most of the relatives in that group are already married. Maybe I should just drag a buddy along to shut them up. And I will not be so bored. haha

********

Ideas and thoughts get passed on from generations to generations. And that is the reason for stereotypes and maybe prejudice. The saddest thing in life, perhaps, is to know an area of change and not willing to change it because of fear. It is as if you know the positive consquences of changing but you do not want it..... And shall one always blame in on the past? Sometimes, one jumps into conclustion too hastily by hearing accounts from people whom you trust, and believe. Judgemental? Or overtrusting? The intention behind each of this option is different, and thus it will not do them justice by lumping both descriptions together. It is always good to look from different perspectives and see the big picture. Human beings are always so interesting. Their narrations are always from their perspectives.

*****

I got to know a friend recently, who is one year younger than me. We are totally different, yet somehow similiar. What she knows, I know little in that. What I excel in, she knows little in that too. We come from very different backgrounds, with almost totally different types of social circles and educational level and life experiences. But I really appreciate her, for like me, we are both open books, who are willing to share out lives out to whoever is sincerely interested to be friends. Guess that is what I am. Of course, privacy matters. I just guess that I desire to know people at a deeper level than what they portray. I admit that I am an extreme person, like what some people commented. Either I give it my best, or I do not care at all. Either I can be sincere with you and pour out my emotions, or I will just treat people as accquaintces. I believe in chemistry, and perhaps intuition. Or should I say that they are the intangible forms of silent observations that I have been doing? (factoring in benefits of doubts) But yes, I am very happy this holidays as I get to catch up with friends (non SMU ones in particualr), to know them more and know new people at deeper levels. That's very me-- either I get it or I desert it.

****

I don't know what prompted me to browse through TJC online on Saturday night. But it brought back many memories of the school, friends, CCA and the lifestlye there and some silly encounters with a person. Mrs Lim Lai Cheng, our dynamic principal is no longer there, and so are some of the staffs too. And there will no longer be any more CG ( JC classes) starting from 2006. Wow... I was so interested and read up about their forum and academic system till late. That was something that I will NEVER do in my TJC times. hmm... Memories.

***

Looks like I got to buck up for the semester. I got back 2 grades and they are not inspiring at all. Haiz.... I am quite disappointed in one, but well, I skipped lessons. So there is a price to pay... can't maintain my GPA this time round. hmm.... but well, it's strange. I thinking I am regaining back my curiosity and passion for things --- something which I totally lost this semester. And I am not feeling that bad after all. Hope my remaining 3 papers will not prove me otherwise.

***

haha Meiju and Wanni, if you are still waiting fro MR. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice here... okok.. i will do so by this week ya! I like Mr. Darcy's character.. that kind of so called false arrogrance. And he looks kinda cute.. For those who are interested to find out more, search online for it ! Will be loading pictures on that movie really soon i hope...

***

okok.. one last thing.. yeah.. my debut on stage for music team yesterday with the rest ! haha.. Looks like I got to splash chemicals on my face each Sunday then... and oh man, I never know that physical training is a must. hahaha... cause we are expected to jump and dance for praise songs..which are more upbeat. lalala.... more rope skipping next time... heheand reei actually took down my voice on Saturday with her handphone to help her remember a tune .. lalala....

okok.. that's all for now....

Sick

2005-12-09T10:53:00.000+08:00

I was supposed to go out with my JC sisters yesterday.. Oh well.. my body is aching again ! And yeh, I gave it a miss. And so did one otehr gal... and in the end, it was rescheduled. ahaa...

Going out again tonight. And yeah... I was inspired today while playing guitar... haha... won't say it is a composition... should I say that I put up a piece depicting my random thoughts (in tunes...whatever) today via plucking ? haha

hahaha

2005-12-07T21:34:00.000+08:00

Take 1 : Action ! Take 2: Huh? Huh... was digging up some old pictures taken in the SR on my birthday itself. Feeling angelic today. Ended up slacking for once... and yeah.. went to Erlyn house and teach her guitar so that she can teach her hubby to play love songs for her ! Jimmy's gona kill me for this. lol... to slack is a challenge. really. Love interactions. If only each day is can be that.... Simplicity is bliss. And friendships are to be highly valued. Oh my.. is Huishi becoming more and more homely?!

Memories

2005-12-06T23:47:00.000+08:00

Memories of summer

Xy and I

2005-12-06T23:45:00.000+08:00

Me, XY Siska

2005-12-06T23:43:00.000+08:00

Siska and I

2005-12-06T23:38:00.000+08:00

Start thinking

2005-12-06T18:12:00.000+08:00

Start thinking about how long you have come when you start to doubt about how long the journey will take.

Pensive

2005-12-06T00:12:00.000+08:00

Beliefs are never random. They come as decisions.

There are so many stars in the night sky tonight. I love them, as they provide illumination to the gloomy night sky, just like what Hope will do to bring one Joy. However, I am merely peering back into millions of years of history, and one should not always dwell on the glory of the past. Whatever.

Sometimes, I am put in a dilema. To go for exchange , or not to go for it ? Well, I have no money. Then earn it ! I have things that need my monitoring. Then adjust it! Well, how about family matters? But I still wish to see the world. Yeah.. how? Am I losing out? I guess it's merely another alternative cause there are so many things to learn from people. Hope that is not self consolation!

Hmm... pensive.

Sunday

2005-12-04T20:00:00.000+08:00

Time: waste it, spend it, or invest it. Energy: waste it, spend it , or invest it Money: waste it, spend it, or invest it Emotions: waste it, spend it, or invest it

I used to think that I have choices because of my abilities, but well, it is because of Godly mercy that I have ability to choose. Putting things in the right perspective if you want to prevent going through the motion-- and of course , know your purpose ! Happier nowadays! Especially when slowly find back what you have lost all along.

I don't want to just spend my resources. Be an investor.

***

"Countdown to Christmas is in 3 weeks time (or 2 Sundays b4 the BIG day itself). SO…..I was thinking we all practice this Saturday. Come at 2.30pm for briefing, collect music and then we practice. I am going to put you on next Sunday itself to give you all a feel and to help anyone overcome any first-time jitters. I believe you will do fine."

***

Vallen is off today. Hmm.. will miss you gal! And yeah, hope that you will see this okok?!!! New resolution: save up for Sydney ! Took some more pictures today.. waiting for them to load... arr..

Day 1 After Exams

2005-12-03T13:50:00.000+08:00

Day 1 after exams

I rebuke one of the physical laws about energy-- that energy cannot be created. The last paper ended on Thursday afternoon and I went out with Xuan and Siowboon till night... well, in the end, I did nothing constructive till 5.30am yesterday morning and caught a 1.5hr wink before rushing off to airport to send Siska off. And I reached home at around 11pm last night. (ok.. i cannot rebuke that law actually... just transferring my negative energy due to exams fustrations to constructive activities !)

I had an enjoyable breakfast with San, Max, Siska and Ronald (though the lime coke tasted like herbal medicine to me). Vallen joined us later after flight takeoff, and she proved that we needed to give her 3 hours of notification before she is able to arrive at her destination. lol...

Yeah, we shopped in airport and later on, in Parkway. The best part about having a friend working in airport, is perhaps, having cheaper stuff as you can get your hands laid on airport dutyfree stuff in staff discount. Of course, I am not the one requesting for those gifts, but heh.. who knows, I may need his help one day in that ! haah..

So Vallen and I shopped in Parkway with San for a while. San went off at around noon for meetings in school, but she joined us again in the evening. Vallen was so cute with all her purchase, and she amazed me further by spending $600 in 2 days ! For your information, she is one of my dear friends who had gone off to Australia to study architecture.. and purchases here are much cheaper than that in Australia (for goods of simiilar qualities). Too bad, she will be leaving off for Indonesia (her hometown) on Sunday, so I shall try to accompany her more these period then!

Yeah, we went around Bras Basah too.. Couldnt imagine myself walking on that ever familiar route to city hall mrt station at 6.30pm yesterday, seeing familiar faces trudging along the same path after exams... *evil laughter*.. But well, it seemed that I could experience more christmas mood after exams !

Vallen introduced me to many interesting architecture concepts and knowledge, and that really inspired and stimulated my brain cells ( the cells are never stimulated in school semester). And Bras Basah sells so many architecture tools ! Woah... Alright, I think I am sounding like some "suah ku" who has not seen many things.. haha.... To cut short... I felt that my brain was revived while I was still having fun with my friend.

Check out Zaha Hadid. She's one of the most accmoplished architecture who have written numberours books on architecure designs.. (Vallen reads that a lot to get inspired though she is an interior design student... I shall not blog down the difference here...) The pictures that I have included below are all her works... interesting eh...

And of course... shopping in Orchards , snapping pictures in the christmas lightings and buying nice earrings and accessories and yeah, a nice book (in bras basah) was fun !!!!! We simply combed down the road and bargained and bought nice accessories at cheap price ! Too bad our bargain queen Weiya was not with us.. Or else our harvest could be ABUNDANT !!!!! More pictures to come later...

Got to rush out now.. Was bulletin template just now and there's a service later... and yeah.. I haven't eaten yet ! ( though i ended up having 4 meals yesterday.. haha)

Love my day so far... no work .. just pure fun and reunion with friends.... I really need these times... Hope that there will be more times like that !

***

" ... laugh when you want to.. jump when you want to... be the best that you can be.. Be alone if you need personal time ... do not hold back or compromise on your unyielding principles.." Yes... I got that. Thanks, buddy.

stirling prize nominee 2005 BMW Plant Leipzig

2005-12-03T11:36:00.000+08:00

Stirling prize nominee 2005 BMW Plant Leipzig

Guang Zhou Opera House

2005-12-03T11:35:00.000+08:00

Guang Zhou Opera House -- Scheduled to start work in January

1987 Japan

2005-12-03T11:33:00.001+08:00

A 1987 creation in Japan

Contemporary Arts Center in Cincinnati

2005-12-03T11:33:00.000+08:00

Contemporary Arts Center in Cincinnati

USA

2005-12-03T11:29:00.000+08:00

I personally like this layered kind of feeling. This is found in USA if I am not wrong.

Aquatic center

2005-12-03T11:27:00.000+08:00

Aquatic Center in East London

Residential House - Zaha Hadid

2005-12-03T11:24:00.000+08:00

Isn't it cool to live here? High rise flats are not just in rigid blocks. Yes, it is a residential building.

Love

2005-12-02T02:06:00.000+08:00

TWC paper sux.. and I shall not say much about the incompetency of the question setter.

Met up with Xuan and Siowboon today... I have kinda forgotten how to put down in words... but it is a nice feeling to really catch up with friends.... and chit chat at the Esplanade area before making our way to Mastero.

***

It seems that love is really in the air in this Christmas Season. Good luck !

Any day

2005-11-30T12:38:00.000+08:00

It seems that I am finally triggered off. And I have made up my mind to return to where I ought to go-- and learning how to say "no" to things that I no longer consider as worthwhile. To my surprise, I feel very liberated (and not apologetic) indeed.

Clearer mind.For once i really feel like moving towards what I want, and what I can accomplish if I try hard enough.By the way, I've started blogging in another blog. Ask me if you want to know what it is.

NLCC

2005-11-27T23:19:00.000+08:00

Buddies, sisters and mentors who have taught me a lot for the past years.... Part of the NLCC crew... See... we have handsome hunks and pretty babes and cute babies here ! *Matchmaking service can be done on request.... * I realised that there weren't many group pictures taken... but we shall change that pretty soon. Coincidentally, who wana join our Christmas Party ?

LAlala

2005-11-25T16:23:00.000+08:00

All i want for this christmas are nice reunions... away from work.... and into keeping relationships. Yeah, and I do not wish to review the commitments in one week's time. haha.. To those reading this, ask me to tell you something, if you wish to know what it is.

#2

2005-11-25T12:33:00.000+08:00

#2. There is a reason to be happy. The sun is still shining and nothing has given up on me. I am still breathing in non polluted air, and consuming non polluted water when there are cases around the world right now about water rationing.

Lala

2005-11-24T13:43:00.000+08:00

huishi ar huishi. stop being jaded. try to reduce your "heck care " attitude. Stop believing that love is exclusive and selective, and trust is limited. TRY.. TRY OK????!!!!! I challenge you to blog about something happy in your life each day.. so that you can be thankful .. TRY OK???????? It saddens me to see you , a once ambitious girl, to be so downcast at times... and so affected by your emotions when you should not be that way... unleash ur potential !!!!!!

" I choose to be happier today.... cause.... I don't know..... " I choose to stay happy today as I still have a choice to say " I don't know" instead of being forced into choices one hates to make when circumstances get pressing at times.

Sunny day and footsteps

2005-11-24T13:30:00.000+08:00

It's a sunny day over here at Bedok. Well, perhaps this type of weather perfectly matches the release of PSLE results, which marks a new beginning to those budding young little things. Come to think of it, I was so nervous back in those days when I received my results.

There they will be, entering secondary schools of their choices/ their parents' choices/ the given choices. In any way, they will grow, mature and develop, hopefully for the better as they begin to see themselves in different perspectives.

Great. I remembered that I did not have a specific reason for choosing Anglican High School as my secondary school. Nor I have any reasons for choosing TJC. Oh well, specific reasons I mean. My sister was there, and these schools were so near to my house. Thus, I went in there.

I recalled the times when I was in my primary school, secondary school and JC. The atmosphere was vastly different in my primary school, which was a government school instead of special stream schools. I love those times during recess when we played hopscotch, chatted, and played those silly lying games. And I seek so much for knowledge by reading all my textbooks and storybooks before the term had even started. Oh well, perhaps I would not do that if I had a computer back then.

Whatever it is, the atmosphere was more like a village like "kampung" setting where I really felt at ease with everyone. Though there was some unhappy incidents in the upper primary when I started to join prefectorial boards and competitions, they were actually peanuts compared to the actual cases found in life. Simplicity. Ignorance. Bliss. I guess I shall remember that period.

I tried to recall the school songs and mottos in these institutions. Surprisingly, the only one that I could recall was that in my primary school ( Bedok North Primary School). I could remember , word by word, tune by tune, the exact arrangement of the school song. And it had taught me a lesson that always remain as one of my governing principles -- thoughts into deeds. Some may call me a stubborn fellow at times, while others see me as a determined person. But I guess that it is not exactly a double edge sword after all as it really gets things done ... and taught me a lot on integrity.

Being in my current education insituttion is something that was initially out of my comfort zone. I could have been in NUS with their science programme (with goodness know what accelerated programme).. instead of being here. But I think this is one of those choices that I did not regret -- so far.

For all my life, I have, to a certain extend, been following the footsteps of my sister in order to get security. And I ended up doing many things which I can excel in. But that did not mean that I enjoyed them to the fullest, or that they had stirred up the passion in me. I am still feeling that right now. And I hate this feeling. Thus, I want to change. But I am too critical on myself at times. In fact, most critical. But I think I will need to change that. Slowly, but surely.

I hate to sleep. I hate to rest. But I yearn for inner peace and tend to be a hermit at times too. And I seriously wonder what is the cause of my fatigue. But things left unsaid and unsettled often accumulate into something bigger, and more concealed... if we say that we have no time to settle that now, we will have no time , and less ability to find the hidden mess .

What shall the path my footsteps be? May the sunny day assist me in carving out an appropriate route.

selfish

2005-11-23T09:41:00.000+08:00

I come to realise that i am actually a whole lot selfish than what I initially thought i was.

Gray skies

2005-11-22T14:37:00.000+08:00

Let the gray sky and falling rain be the cause of my heavy feeling. Or perhaps it is all due to the examination fatigue. Whatever it is, let there be a external justification for it.

Are you happy doing the things that you can excel in? Are you happy doing the things that you know you will do well in? Are you looking for the results? Or seeking the process? Or none as you are already immuned to all ?

"What do you want to be then?" I know that I gave him a diplomatic answer. In fact, I couldn't figure it out myself too---after debating within myself and justifying so many things. Is it selfish or is it selfless? Is it sensitive or is it immunity. Is it defence or is it attack ? Is it true, or is it not, that I do not care about many many many issues anymore as I let everything slips into the passage way of time?

In another 1.5 years, I will be out from this mini society, this education hub, this sheltered place for maturing youth to taste the life of the outside world. Welcome to the real world. Welcome to the show. Welcome to the hard knocks in life that only the world outside can enable you to see clearly. You know what? You are 1.5 years obsolete , perhaps without fully charging towards your own goals. Planning is one issue, fulfilling is another . You propose, heaven disposes. That's life.

But, are the things that you are currently doing now significant? Applicable for life? Or just for the mini academic purposes?Are you doing it out of obligation, passion or fear? Are you secure? Are you content? Are you happy, or are you not ?

Let fatigue be the cause of such emotions.

Emotional Maturity

2005-11-21T18:30:00.000+08:00

It is not just about a bundle of feelings. And forget about the happily ever after endings. It's all about ups and downs, and learning how to manage them. And to put in commitments and discipline -- even in emotions, to ensure that there will be something good coming out of it. Getting to know how emotionally immature I am.

small group

2005-11-19T02:10:00.000+08:00

My small group ! The probability of finding me in this kind of outfit is lesser than striking 4D. But perhaps a wardrove revival is necessary, haha

Wanni and I 2

2005-11-19T02:07:00.000+08:00

Do I look demure here ? I guess so.... ha

Meiju and Me

2005-11-19T02:00:00.000+08:00

Realised that i have not really taken any picture with meiju. Here it goes!

Kurnia and I

2005-11-19T01:57:00.000+08:00

Beloved Kurnia !

Jen Me WAnni

2005-11-19T01:48:00.000+08:00

Say Cheese with Jen and shark ! haha.. we keep on threatening each other ..... Should make her bribe me!

Eugene Lewis and Me

2005-11-19T01:41:00.000+08:00

I once made Wanni take scandalous picture with SOME people and it ended up selling like hot cakes for a period in time... And she is trying to get back at me. Luckily this is the best that they can come up with. haha.. Eugene, Lewis and me... the guitar 3 kakis.

CAT

2005-11-19T01:37:00.000+08:00

My CAT team in formal with our Prof -- Prof Leong TY ! 3 Econs people and a business dude..

Season of Love

2005-11-19T00:21:00.000+08:00

525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear.

525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.

In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.

In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?

How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love. Seasons of love.

1525,600 minutes! 525,000 journeys to plan.

525,600 minutes - how can you measure the life of a woman or man?

In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried.

In bridges he burned, or the way that she died.

It’s time now to sing out, tho the story never ends

let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends.

Rememberthe love! Remember the love! Remember the love!

Measure in love. Seasons of love! Seasons of love.

from musical Rent

Birthday

2005-11-18T23:49:00.000+08:00

Thanks Siowboon for the poem that you have written for me ! Looks like you still have a good command in Chinese ! Thanks for cheering me up when I needed it desperately !

To my " tall , dark, gorgeous" date for HP movie today, thanks a lot !!! I still find one of the champions in the movie as the most handsome date ! haha...

Haha.. to the sissimo ppl, thanks for the birthday gift ! To Wanni: I have seen through your plot all along.. just that I played dumb. And Jennifer actuallygave it all away when most of you disappeared... by asking me " they are ceelbrating birthday right? " hahaa..... I have been playing dumb all along ! haha..... but thanks anyway !

Performed 2 times today. The first time was just to play guitar for the song " Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough".. that was ok... the second part was to sing a love duet in the later part of teh show.. haha.. whatever.. just got to practice that a few minutes before performance... and I do not have confidence in my voice. ops... despite reassurance. Glad that it all turned out well. haha...

Friendship

2005-11-18T23:43:00.000+08:00

" ..being friends doesn't mean must do much things.. well, friends are hmm... friends ( can't think of a better definition haha) people who share their lives to each other, share the good, so the joy can be doubled, tripled.. share difficulties, probs... so the burden can be halved =) "

Ecclesiastes 27:9-10

Now I understand why. Thank you dear friend.

Christmas

2005-11-18T23:40:00.000+08:00

I love Christmas! When can I enjoy that Christmassy mood again? I am seeing many log cakes and christmas displays being put up now. Really hope to go out with friends to some nice chill out place to chat and talk and immerse myself in such mood....

Going around in circles

2005-11-18T23:23:00.000+08:00

This semester has finally come to an end. It is not exactly an easy semester for me. There are more duties to handle, and more deadlines to rush. It has definitely affected my academic work a bit too. But so far, so good.

But the fact is, I am not pleased with myself this semester. Seems that I am going around in circle at times. Not exactly that productive, that effective, that initiative. And I have neglected certain individuals, only to realise it during my birthday.

I guess I would have to forgo certain offers in the coming semester so as to make more free time for my dear ones, for the ones I really treasure (or should learn to treasure).

It seems only yesterday when I was still a year one freshie. Look here, a semester has passed and I am halfway through my second year. How time flies. And I am in the 20s club. There are so many things that I want to do now, apart from being a student...

I want to switch on Class 95 and listen to the nice love songs each night, and get something interesting to read and enrich my brain. It has been deprived of real knowledge for so long. I am feeling arty now. It's time to go back to Arts Friend and buy some copper tooling materials. Feel like slacking and staring at the clear blue sky. Feel like calling up people and saying that I love them. Feel like having a good cry just to vent out feelings. Feel like going out with small groups of people and chat with them till dawn. I want to watch sunrise. I have to tour and see the world. I want to help people. I want to overcome my own weakness. ..... and many more.

Contary to the 38 image that i may portray at times, I am actualyl a very inward looking person who will tend to observe things. Perhaps i should learn to cast certain observations away so as to move on.

I really love to improve the condition of my family. I hope, and I know that I will make it somehow. I wondered how i survived this semester with all the stuff. But well, the season of trust has arrived. Trust in the Lord and your path shall be straightened. Learn to trust, gal.

That's my problem--- I hate to rely on others as much as i could. An excessive amount could lead to problems. haha.... WEll.... balance !

sad

2005-11-16T20:29:00.000+08:00

If P then Q,

Fallacy.

If we walk this certain path, we will get this future.

We will get this future.

We will walk this path.

Looking back, I felt quite down this semester. What has it really reduced me to ? Into something who is just doing things? Or that maybe I am really incompetent to handle the task and take care of my own feelings.

Do I really want my life to be like this? Duties to accomplish, tasks to fulfil. Slogging around to acheive goals which will be constantly shifting ? What happened to my values and beliefs?

Sincerity. Something that is so valuable and yet getting rare.

Thanks to my MPW girls for lifting up my mood today. Seems that we are not going to meet again next year. But we can still meet up outside school.... All of you , perhaps apart from 1, will never see this entry. But all of you have proven me wrong, and I really appreciate dining with you all. We promised to write crap for out assignment, but end up impressing the professor not only with our topic but also the presentaitons.... and yes... I love the halo that we took pictures with.. and all the lame jokes that we have.....

Niran, you are right..... happiness is not enough.. demand euphoria! If only you can teach me !

It is really amazing to meet you guys this semester when it is totally not planned for. Thanks for the nice memories.

going back to the times

2005-11-14T01:27:00.000+08:00

Thanks for all who remembered. Actions speak louder than word. And Adeline, you proved me wrong again. Thanks a lot !

Just felt like blogging

2005-11-12T07:21:00.000+08:00

Just felt like blogging when there are 101 other things waiting for me to do. I shall not blog much though, so that i can reserve my brain cells for work later.

I went for Musion, a musical performance by the graduating students from the Music, East and West class. To summarise, it was great. But what struck me most was the performance put up by a group of SESS professors and Mr. Alex Abishninagan. ( our grand master)

If I am not wrong, that group comprised a couple who are both teaching in SESS. They were already in their late 40s or early 50s and yet they remain so loving to one another . Yeah, they sang the song, "Love Me Tender" and the female professional has quite good vocals.

But it is really their tender love that struck me. How did they manage to be so loving after all these years.... after living with each other for so long, finding out the flaws of each other and tolerating them.... and yea, they were so loving to each other as if they were just married. It is not a show i supposed, as I met them in the lift and they were still like nice and loving to each other. Trust? Respect? I just find that people tend to give their hearts away too soon and always to find them broken or end up in regret. It is a big leap towards marriage, and it is a gamble to settle with someone else. Commitment phobia or just be too rational? whatever....

Hmm.. I would like to go for exchange. But I doubt that I will go for that. First, I have no money. Next, I can't go even if I have money as I cannot release some burdens. But I promise that I will leave here someday to see the world beyond. Feeling so myopic right now.

time to blog about somehting happier

2005-11-11T10:06:00.000+08:00

i should not be subjecting my blog to sombre or sad or angry stuff all the time... haha.. perhaps it is time to jot down my other random thoughts...

what shall it be? I miss the time when I could rest. To think that I used to complain in my younger days that i have excessive amount of free time. Cant they accrure those rest time? Whatever..... It is amazing that Raffles City area has put up part of the christmas decoration. Or am I simply too slow to realise that christmas season is here again ? I guess it is the latter.

What I want for christmas : - more free time, more personal time, more leisure time. Yeah, time. I realise that I will not have it unless i make an effort to reserve it. lalalalala.....

I am ageing... alalalala.... and i will be set free in a month's time ! ... just for 3 weeks.... sickening... it doesnt help when you are sleeping at 2am plus or 3am everyday for a least a week.. ops.. i might have forgotten how long IS the period. whatever.....

Was playing guitar with my the gal yesterday. And it made me realise how much I have missed. As in how much fun... well... I don't know... perhaps it is really my attitude or classifying certain htings into work or leisure and they are mutually exclusive. whatever.... I will be surprised if you keep on reading by now as I am simplying unloading my brain.

I saw a cute baby on the bus today, being totally protected by her mother. She is so cute looking ! And she seems to be so contented in her position. If only I am the baby with tons of rest... well.... maybe not.... we are getting too much of that when we are younger. And it's now the payback time !

And yeah, I am quite unpleased an an elderly who shouted and ranted at a middle age woman who ACCIDENTALLY bumped into her on a feeder bus. Let's get this fair and straight. Be nice and courteous to the elderly.. and yeah, don't exploit your age just to get your way around...

Eyes are closing ....

2005-11-10T07:08:00.000+08:00

It's irrational for me to blog at this time when i should be going off to school. But I am still going to do it. 'Cause I hate the fact that I am experiencing the law of diminishing returns, and it doesn't help when my brain is going through regression. And I hate it when it affects the quality of my work, as I criticise myself the most. Whatever it means. I am very angry with myself recently for this. Whatever. Hope this feeling will pass.

But it doesn't help at times as certain things are controlled by situation. It definitely will not help when an exhausted person comes into a project meeting to tie up the loose end just to find most of the project mate missing and that even the person has to disappear for a while. Yes, tie up the loose end. Checks and monitors. Well.... ? Yes, and don't bother to find out why they are at home at that time. Just do it. Get it done. If it is not well done, check again. Whatever. But the thing seems not bad in the end, and I am just concerned about the outcome, despite the blunders made by each of us. That is enough.

Failed to get HP tickets. I like movies that made me experience the inner child in me... or should I say used to be in me ? Whatever. But we will be ordering tickets online for an all girls outing. Guys are NOT ALLOWED. For once ! Peace.

It is funny how people response to ideas. I realised that Singaporeans have this habit of shutting off to anything once they have biased opinions. And they certainly do not make the best audience at times. Not all, but some, at least. Constructive thoughts comments are welcomed. Full stop. It will be quite surprising if Q & A results in personal attacks, and I pity the person who got it.

Technology. What has it taught us? Profitability is the primary concern for innovation? Interesting. Perhaps it is just the nature of human to exploit.. or should I say make use to the benefit of mankind (to self)? Interesting. Some of the greatest inventions like light bulb and telephone, in my humble opinion, were created not for profits, but for some other reasons. But it seems that people create for the sake of creating, promote for the sake of earning(and not promoting benefits) and consumers are getting bombarded. Maybe my puny brain is not working properly now as usual.

Passion. Obligation? I don't know. All I know is that I want this to stop when I reach year 3. No passion, little/no work.

whatever

2005-11-09T09:27:00.000+08:00

waiting for my twc presentation now... tired. my eyes are closing. Looking back, this semester has really taught me how ot work around with various constrains and nothing is impossible. It made me interact with groups of people who either revealed to me my strength or areas to be improved. All the pissed off feelings were temporary, especially when it is related to task. New encounters, new places, and most of them are pleasant. On a personal level, this semester had fored me to face some of my deepest fear and concern. But, like what my new motto say, Just do it. To the people I have let down in anyway, I am sorry. To those who have dissappointed me, i will treat it as a learning lesson. Actually i do not believe in a single party shouldering all the blame as it always takes 2 to clap. But whatever it is, I have come to be more accustomed to the life that I might possibly lead in future. And yes, nothing is impossible. Will get it if only i try hard enough. The most important lesson thus far --- Focus.

Feeling bad

2005-11-09T01:27:00.000+08:00

Hey there, I am not sure if you are reading this. But if you do, I must really apologise on my part for making you angry. No matter what, it is a learning curve and yeah, maybe i am over rated. But in any case, both sides have something to take home at the end of the day. Hope that i don't fall too far away from your expectance . lol... but in any case, yeah, personal evaluation.. and yeah, as what I said, improvement in communication. ***** I wonder at times if my heart is made of stone.

Fairy Tales

2005-11-05T13:43:00.000+08:00

After all, fairy tales were written by people living in reality.

sadness

2005-11-05T11:51:00.000+08:00

I don't know what prompted me to jot down this entry. But anyway... let me jot it down ....

I remembered running for an election in my younger days. One of the questions posted to all candidates was this -- please describe yourself in 3 words. All of us had to do so and we somehow churned out some impressive phrases. I forgot what I said, but I got in in the end.

Looking back, I find it ridiculous to convince people with just 3 words. At least not now. How can you fully understand a person until you have interacted with that person? And there are so many aspects of a person such that one will wonder at times if the same person that you have been laughing with is the same person in another occasion. But as human beings, we always seek security by purposely trying to understand and analyse. Perhaps it's not intentional, but every human being commits this type of error consciously, or sub consciously.

So what's next? I don't know. Should I reflect about myself? Or do I even have the time to do so? I guess I shall continue and let my gut instincts take over.

I am a Singaporean girl born into a typical chinese family some 20 years ago. I used to be a cry baby and I lead a sheltered life. It all changed when I hit secondary 1. Through that, I realised that people cannot be fully trusted as even blood ties fails at times. From then on, I told myself never to owe people and never to shortchange people for I do not want them to use anything against me at times. And thus, I seek to do the right things at the right time so that we can just get things done.

Somehow, JC period made me discover many other types of personalities. Some were surprisingly pleasant, while some were shockingly horrible. By then, I realised that it is impossible to not owe anyone anything... but as long as I try hard enough and do whatever that is within my abilities, that will be enough. And yes, I realised that I can survive as a very individualistic person where necessary, though I prefer companionship.

Whatever. But it is precisely through this period that various individuals made me change. I believe in working around constrains so as to produce results and settle my part of the deal with anyone. But some people made me feel a bit more. They made me feel that I want to work around the constrains as I want to contribute as a team, and as a friend, and as a pillar. Yes, I changed. But that change is still not applicable to all people I have encountered, up till now.

What caused that trend in me? Am I just a defensive girl who will easily get hurt? Or is that I have become indifferent? I don't know. But I know that there will be a rainbow after each storm. Somehow, older connections get broken and newer ones are built. But it seems that most of the newer ones will never be as good as the older ones. Nostalgia? Or is that we have seen too much and that we have rationlised too much? Have I seen through the possibilities and predicted the outcome even before things started? Judgemental? Or simply practical?

Someone once told me that many suffer in silent in this current world. I guess so. And they would rather let it continue than to air out . Why? 'Cause they have other commitments, other priorities and other experiences which either made them see clearer or less clearly on the current picture. And they are worn out. Physically. Mentally. So why bother?

I don't know which category I am in. Or am I in that cateogary now? I realised that I am loving myself more and others less now. But what's the rationale behind that? Cause I have never loved myself in the past? Or that I realised that it doesn't pay to regard others in a more valuable position than youself as you end up getting all the crap ?

Whatever it is. Sometimes, I have even run out of words to describe whatever I am thinking or feeling. Is that good, or is that bad?

Working with various groups of individuals have built up my stress threshold and working style, though there were some unhappy incidents which I do not wish to talk about .But yes, I have certainly grown more flexible along the way and it once agains shows that everything is possible as long as we try hard enough.

With all the teasing culture going on, I serisouly wondered if I am those type who are suitable for singlehood in all my life. Perhaps I am too tired to love anyone greater than me in time to come. And I wish to be fair to the potential partner. I am tired. But I don't want to drag you down with my burdens. Yes, that's me. I want share the good things with you but please leave my own crap and burden to myself. Yes, not owing anyone in anyway. For that very reason, I think I should remain single all along and perhaps stay in some isolated places.

I come to realised that the world is not just my own and yes, consequences may hinder me at times. But i chose to see it as a challenge. This challenge may hinder my current advancement, but it has built up my skills or characters... A tradeoff? If only more people can start seeing from various perspective. But I think I am not far away from having tunnel vision too...

Whatever.

~*-

I'll make a wish for you

And hope it will come true

That life will just be kind

To such a gentle mind

If you lose your way

Think back on yesterday

Remember me this way

What will i be remembered for ?Will there be anyone to say that to me? I wonder.

Time will tell. Remember me this way.

Reflections

2005-11-05T02:45:00.000+08:00

I realised that I can't be bothered about many things that used to trouble me. Is that good, or is that bad?

I realised that I shed tears more easily than before nowadays. Is that good, or is that bad?

I realised that I am less retrospective nowadays. Is that good, or is that bad?/p>

I realised that I am more vulnerable nowadays. Is that good, or is that bad?

I realised that I am more in tune with my feelings nowdays. Is that good, or is that bad?

I realised that I have spent more time discovering myself at the expense of family and perhaps friends. Is that good, or is that bad?

I realised that my fear is gone. But indifference is slowly creeping in for some areas. Is that good or is that bad?

I realised that I lead a much busier life nowadays. Meaningful? How does one see it? Is that good, or is that bad?

I realised that I could no longer sing freely as what i used to . And people will come to really understand the underlying implications on my behaviour. Is that good, or is that bad?

I realised that all these crap typed in here may just present a side of me. And that I may not fully understand myself. Is that good, or is that bad?

Nonsense. What am I typing... I can't even type decently nowdays. Luckily it's my blog. I type for my own pleasure. Not anyone else.

blah

2005-11-03T00:38:00.000+08:00

I am really upset today, but sometimes some words are better left unsaid. Is it going to bring out the best or worst in me ?

Blue sky

2005-11-01T20:15:00.000+08:00

I laid down on the ground for once on a windy afternoon, staring at the clear blue sky and watching fluffy clouds drift by. Solitude.

I want to be a farmer. Or visit a fruit farm and work part time there. Peace and serenity. Not much mental work to be done, but manual work can be fruitful as well.

If only I have more days like this.

Before I FAll in Love

2005-10-30T00:39:00.000+08:00

Here's another nice song that I've heard today... Before I Fall in Love By Coco Lee

My heart says we've got something real

Can I trust the way I feel

Cuz my heart's been through it before

Am I'm just seeing what I want to see

Or is it true

Could you really be

Someone to have and hold

With all my heart and soul

I need to know

Before I fall in love

Someone who'll stay around

(Who warns) my ups and downs

So tell me now

Before I fall in love

And I'm at the point of no return

So afraid of getting burned

But I wanna take a chance

Oh please

Give me a reason to believe

Say you're the one that you'll always be

Someone to have and hold

With all my heart and soul

I need to know

Before I fall in love

Someone who'll stay around

(Who warns) my ups and downs

So tell me now

Before I fall in love

It's been so hard for me

To give my heart away

But I would give my everything

Just to hear you say...

Someone to have and hold

With all my heart and soul

I need to know

Before I fall in love

Someone who'll stay around

(Who warns) my ups and downs

So tell me now

Before I fall in love

feeling strange

2005-10-29T00:00:00.000+08:00

lalala, lalalala. Assumptions. Lalalalalala, dulling senses.

***

When we were still babies, the only emotions we have were just happy or not happy. Not happy could mean crying, or emitting angry shrieks (according to what the grown up heard). It does not mean that we were sad or angry. It just meant that we were not in our comfort zone.

When we reached nursery and kindergarten stage, we began to experience a little bit more. We cried when we were bullied, and sulked when we were feeling "unfair". Of course, the frowns on faces meant anger and dissatisfaction then.

By the time we hit primary school, the sense of curiosity in us grew even deeper. We began to ask silly questions to satisfy our thirst of knowing the "whys". Sometimes , groups may also be formed and rilvarly or jealously grew. But well, that was only part of the pure innocent childhood.

For those late budders, secondary school stage might be the starting point to experience that flip in our hearts, and the blushes and scorching feeling on our cheeks. Yes, one began to have crushes and likings for people. But it also meant a time of confusion for many as one began to seek their own identities. Or perhaps it will be a stage of rebellion as the puberty period was on its high. Maybe, it might be a stage of oppression and inferiority for some. My condolences.

Stress might creep in slowly, and reach its height in JC period/ poly days. By then, one has become so seasoned in involvement with people that one either start to be more ambitious in building up network or badmouthing people. Normal? Perhaps. But hopefully, it is a sign of maturity as one finally found their self identity....

University life. Solitude? Mental barriers?Enlightment on what education is all about? Foresight and wisdom? Is is contentment? Is it confusion? Is there a sense of fatigue? Is there a sign of disillusioned? All the talk about getting life partner and settling down. What is it that one really wants in life in terms of that and their own dreams and ambitions, if any? Perhaps one will suddently feel inspired.

It is hard to predict what is there in years to come. But i guess that the number of emotions will grow, and eventually fade. Call it enlightment in life, a free and easy approach. Or perhaps by a twist of fate, one will not remember the intense feelings that we used to have in our twiglight years due to sickness. It all started with nothing, and ended in nothing.

Interesting. Nothing can be taken away.

***

It is not the first time that i was told that I am my greatest enemy. In fact i kept on telling people that. But well, maybe, I don't practise what I preach..though the frequency is reducing...

The world is vast. It has many interesting sites and there is so much to learn everywhere. There is so much to see, to view and appreciate. Education allows us to read and write with at least a language so that we are better equipped in our quest forthe interesting stuff.

But somehow, it is also moulding us to think in a particular manner. The more equipped we are with these tools, the lazier we will be in finding new tools. Why bother to find new tools when we have many tools to select from? So one ends up using them conveniently.

I always believe that tools are meant to be invented. Tools have helped the human race to build up so many more infrastructures, and it is a cumulative effect. But somehow, what I am experiencing right now is a bit below the cumulative effect that i want to experience. Who can I blame it on?Myself? For not taking initiative to learn up more? Or institutions for conforming us? hahaha... I want to see the world. Constrains? Yeah... I can work around the constrains... but at whose expense? Anything is always possible. But as the saying go, "Lets give and take". If my senile memory does not fail me, I think that there is a principle in chemistry last time known as Le Chatelier Principal. Destroy the initial equilibrium and form new equilibrium, which is not the same as the old equilibrium most of the time. We get the benefits of the new choices. But what do we stand to lose for in our initial circumstances? Is one game enough to lose that? Those decision questions seemed so familiar....

****

Fleeting glances. Antisocial or a matter of choices? To tell the truth, I don't care. I am just looking for things and people who will last. Oh my, this girl may be jaded. Putting in effort doesnt mean that it will last, and the reverse applies. Just take things natural. Living out of the past.but don't embrace the future too much that you forget about the flaws. Choose wisely. Time will create opportunies for meaningful interactions, somehow.

I choose to change. Perspectives.

HAHAHA

2005-10-27T17:06:00.000+08:00

Hahah, fantastic birthday gift in advance. 3 presentations on THE TUESDAY! haha

****

I value efficiency.

lalala

2005-10-26T12:46:00.000+08:00

*Sincereity is the answer to a promise*. Simple and elegant.

===

Where can I get decent dresses and skirts ? I may want a wardrobe makeover.. .but yeah, my music team needs me to get it soon ! Have to train and perform on stage... haiz.. and make up... I am not a girlish person.. .arrr.... But I guess I have to look.. err.. more lady like.. It's strange that people used to think that I am girlish !

===

Alexia, Siowboon and I were utterly amused by an email today... A stupid email on dating seminar popped into our email inboxes this morning... Since when are we members of SDU? Are we going to have a speed dating competition ? Yeah, make it inter univerisity competition.. And we will show the world that we are DIFFERENT ! lalala

Well, I doubt that I will get a boyfriend from there ! Weiquan's testimonial was funny : " ... Don't slap too hard on your guitar ! [ based on the way I played a latin song].. save it for your boyfriend !" ...

Hahaha.. wait till I get attached...

Why am I not settling down ? I wonder at times.... Encounters and friendships.. yadaya... i believe that things can be kept platonic too... But well, if I were to choose my so called "ideal one", here is the list on what I would expect... hahaha... ( not that juicy)

He must be my buddy and best friend. One who can be serious and funny, mature yet a child at heart. Someone who can challenge me mentally and yet be an encourager... Someone who is WISE (though not necessary intelligent).... We can talk about anything under the sun and be each other's PA and enjoy learning from one another.... And make me feel crazy .. haha... someone who has vast interest and can inspire me... and importantly, someone who wants the best in people around him.Ya... must be taller than me.. typical girlish symdrome. hahah

Well, perhaps. But if I were to settle down now, it would mean that I would want to go for a life partner and not a boyfriend. No time for frivilous play and it is not my nature to hurt feelings. It's not the case of one shot kill all.. But at least there are things which I won't adopt a try try attitude ....

But well, we aren't living in an IDEAL world. Imperfections exist. So yadaya.... until i really found someone whom I can trust and depend and be natural and have fun with, I guess that I shall remain as a single... Blame SMU for taking up so much of my time. Hahaha....

Crapping! Sissimo people you better not JENg JENG ok... hahaha...

Tell me

2005-10-24T15:20:00.000+08:00

What is the value of a promise? Is it the cost of fulfiling it, or is it the joy of keeping it?

***

I was chatting with G today. Yeah, and somehow, we were back to discuss about some academic stuff again... both of us felt that the local system here is wierd. It does not tolerate mistake when we should allow ourselves to experiement with all sorts of methods in our quest of knowledge.

Well, if we do not start striving for perfectionism now, will we be able to do so upon graduation? Here's my question: if we do not start tolerating imperfection now, will we start tolerating them upon graduation? And what's the consequences? Perhaps it differs.

***

Stupid toothache.

Girlish

2005-10-23T22:33:00.000+08:00

Do I just have that girlish look? Maybe. Whatever. I don't really like to be girlish anyway. Looks are deceiving...

REd Pic

2005-10-23T21:31:00.000+08:00

Haha.. no photoshot.. Gerald the master photographer did this.. nice right? Wonder how it's done ? Sissimo's red !

2005-10-23T20:06:00.000+08:00

Do you believe that we did not add photoshop to this picture? The master photographer did it with the help of a bottle of F&N apple juice! Nice right?

Exco gals

2005-10-23T20:01:00.000+08:00

Sissimo gals are always pretty and talented and musically inclined !

CCA room

2005-10-23T19:53:00.000+08:00

Nice picture right? Wanted to spice up the picture and add it in Guitarissimo blog. But Gerard saw through my trick and insisted me to sit in with them! But it was a nice picture ! And everyone was happy ! From top left, Jinfu, Bingxiong, Gerard, Me, Tuna, Lime, Sharkie! And Gerard is like half of our big family liao !

2005-10-23T13:50:00.000+08:00

I love freedom. I hate restrictions. I want to meet people to watch sunrise with me, to talk about anything under the sun, to challenge but not to slam me down, to be there with me while I mature. Period.

2005-10-22T21:42:00.000+08:00

Thanks for everything. You made my (yester)day.

I had marketing discussion yesterday with my all girls power team. This is our 3rd season of colalboration , ever since the first semester in year 1. I am pretty amazed by our dymanics, at the fact of how we managed to inject humour with last minute preparation in presentation and vibrant discussion.... well, it may be time to part soon as all of us decide on our major... we shall see how ....

2 months to chirstmas. hmm.

Numbers

2005-10-21T02:19:00.000+08:00

Thanks Tuna for the card. As promised, we shall play duet some day... and that song can be used as our first warm up piece for duet !

------

Another crappy entry. Numbers. It seems that our world is forever dealing with numbers. We are taught to classify and rank stuff when we are young. From ABS to 123, from grades till age till salaries. From network to asset worth to certs chase. Everything. Anything.

We are taught about quantifiable and non quantifiable nouns in our first english lessons. But no one really seem to care about the non quantifiable nouns anymore. Sunshine. Serenity. Compassion. Whatever.

Why is that so? Do numbers always bring us security through justification?

If we really like to count so much, tell me , what's the number of sand on the beach, the number of light rays penetrating the stratosphere each day. Tell me how much raindrop will hit your head each time it rains, and tell me how much does it take to make a heart truly smile and be contented.

Tell me. I bet a child can answer the questions faster and better than most of us.

----

Sissimo people are crazy. But it seems that i am the ultimate. FINE. Oh ya, i received feedbacks on my tag. I don't know what has happened, but please hit refresh each time after tagging or it is most probably not going to show up. Thanks!

Network

2005-10-19T18:09:00.000+08:00

I had one of my most "interesting" classes in my life today, but I shall not disclose the exact name for the module. We talked about the power of networking.

Networking. The quantity matters. The network of the network (influence , that is) matters too. And one can assign a value to the network, either by the degree of people in the network, or by the number of network one possess.

Sounds sad, but it happens. Social interaction is reduced to figures and impact instead of sincere encounters. Mutual benefits. Fleeting glances. Interesting. No one really appreciates that, but many are embracing that.

Power of networking. Been there, done that. But I can't totally discount its benefits too. Irony.

=======

Perhaps I will compose a melody of my life one day, and sing it alone under the pale moonlight.

Eyes on me

2005-10-18T12:28:00.000+08:00

Thanks to Bingxiong and Eugene, I somehow ended up singing the song, Eyes on Me in CCA room yesterday...... i really wish to hide in some places at times to watch sunrise and admire the twiglight stars..... and sing my heart out and unleash my soul.... oh gal, why have you becoem so sentimental again?

appreciating the finer things in life..... there's a reason to be happy somehow... somehow i find that i am getting shallower... in thoughts... in blogs... don't feel like blogging down anything anymore at times. Why is that so ? Is it fatigue ? Or am i just closing up at times? haha... Inhibition maybe.....

Sense

2005-10-18T01:31:00.000+08:00

A sense of melachony overcame me today. I wondered why when I was feeling so happy before that. Or in fact I am feeling carefree. Is all this an illusion? But I know that I am responsible for my own happiness, ultimately. This is why I must move on. Perhaps fatigue might get a better hold of us, causing us to fall into the pit of negative emotions. But who knows? Why do I always find pieces of myself in other people? Uncannily similiar too....... I find that I have less and less time to really think and ponder stuff... pondering on issues was a luxury now....

2005-10-18T00:20:00.000+08:00

Tada! Alien.

2005-10-17T11:28:00.000+08:00

This is a happy shot taken with Jennifer from ACF in Ah Fu BBQ!! ( After all the pouting and sulking as I attempted to look wierd in the last picture !! haha... I gave her the nickname, Jeng Jeng... (Jeng ni fer ) .. and she was freaked out by my hyper high self !!

CAT TRIO

2005-10-17T11:26:00.000+08:00

(To Paul)... See, Esther, Wanni and I are having a good time posing as power puff gals in AH FU BBQ!!! Smilez !

Pics in Ah Fu BBQ

2005-10-17T11:24:00.000+08:00

AH FU BBQ : Where everyone gets high.... Me, Chee Hwee, Wanni and Jennifer ( Jenny/ JENG JENG ^^)

One day

2005-10-16T23:30:00.000+08:00

I heard something nasty from you today. And i told myself either to fear or to move on. I bidded goodbye to the little girl of yester year , and told myself to move on. Though I harbour doubts on if I can reach my goals, I will still move on as I believe that God is my CEO.

This once again confirms my thinking on what I really want in life. I want success and peace in life. Monetary success to give my family a good life, spiritual success to acheive that goal I seek. I want to learn as much as I can and observe so much about life, and I wish to stay happy admist all circumstances as it is my own responsibility to be happy. And I want people around me to be happy too.

Time will prove me right or wrong, and with every step taken lies a consequence which may lead us to write an even beautiful story.

EXCO

2005-10-16T23:21:00.000+08:00

Part of my dear EXCO : Me, Tuna, Wanni and Haha

BBQ PIC !

2005-10-16T23:12:00.000+08:00

Great Ah Fu BBQ ~ ! Pretty girls here !!! Tuna, Chee Hwee, Me, Wanni and Meiju !